I told my neighbor and friend today that I had to go to California to take stuff out of my mom's house. I think I had told her already, but she continued to try to make me feel better about it.
There were two things she said, and again, I know she was trying to make me feel better, the first was that it wouldn't be that bad. It's going to be bad, there isn't any way around it being bad. I may be able to get through it better than I think I can, but no matter what, it's going to be bad. Under the best of circumstances, it would be bad. These are among the worst of circumstances, so it's going to be bad(der). The second thing she said was that I would one day have good memories of my mother. I suppose there is a remote possibility somewhere in the universe that she is right. But somehow I don't think it is probably that I will have good memories of my mother, ever.
Whether there is a heaven or not has really been something I've always been skeptical about, but now, I am even more skeptical. Because how could there be a place that I could go to someday, encounter my mother, and not be unhappy with her. How is that possible? I just can't wrap my head around the concept.
Another thing happened today. I sat in my office not having any idea whatsoever how I was going to face this woman on Saturday, even surrounded by friends there to help me through it. She was so downright heartless and nasty to me when my mother died. I sat there and sat there and suddenly it occurred to me that every single movie I've ever seen about someone dying, the wife, or children, or whoever, take something to help them get through it. So I called my doctor, who agreed that I should probably take something on Saturday to help me. She only gave me a couple pills, told me to try 1/2 of one tonight to see how I respond to it, and then told me to either call her or see if I can gauge it for Saturday. I feel much better, already. It will probably make me somewhat sleepy, but I won't be driving, and there will be people there to help me and I'm sincerely hoping it helps me keep my mouth shut. Anything I say to this woman will only make me lose more of me, of my soul, so I am determined to rise above her and not let her get to me.
The other thing is, if we don't finish it all on Saturday, CJ can make arrangements to go back another day and take out whatever might be left. I'll just be there to see what it is I want, pack stuff up that needs to be, and move some of it out.
