I woke up this morning without a purpose. Without the boys to get moving and out the door, I don’t have an agenda and can’t figure out how to get started. Yesterday I was driven by the list of things I wanted to get done, this morning, I’m not interested . . . yet. I suppose I have to give myself a chance to wake up before I figure out my day. It is one of those days where I know I have a million things to do, and don’t feel like doing a single one of them. More caffeine injections and perhaps my body and mind will start moving on their own.
It’s the kind of day I would call my mom and end up talking for an hour to put off doing anything else. Once the conversation was finished, I would be motivated to get going. Or she’d be here, which would really get me motivated to do something because I could never sit still when she was here, the truth is, she drove me crazy.
Yesterday I thought a lot about why I haven’t done things like the mending before, why I kept putting it off and letting it sit. What is the difference whether the boys are here or not? I suppose when they are here, I’m talking to them, doing something for them (like making lunches or dinner), scolding them (which seems never ending), checking to see what they’re up to, checking to see what Doug is doing, looking for something Doug can’t find or Frank can’t find.
One thing I’ve realized, although it doesn’t help one BIT with procrastination, is that I often worry and agonize over something I need to do and put sooooo much more energy into the worry of it, or figuring out how to “do it right,” than it would take to simply DO it. I know this, this isn’t news to me. One of the most important things I learned in college was to simply DO and FIX, DO and FIX, DO and FIX . . . as opposed to planning, planning, planning and then doing.
I need to jump in with both feet and get some of the projects done I have been putting off. Which one to start with and how not to get distracted by other “little” stuff all day long is throwing me into analysis-paralysis. Something I know better than to get mired down in.
Doctor appointment later today, which will throw a wrench into whatever I’ve decided to do.
I’m trying to motivate myself, can you tell? Can you also tell it isn’t working?
Yesterday afternoon I got a collect call from Doug from the campground. They’re at the great sand dunes, which is probably a proper noun, although I have to admit I didn’t pay all that much attention to where they were going before they left. Doug is great about keeping me informed of what he’s doing, I even know their campsite number. Not that I would know what to do with that information if I needed it, but at least it is tucked away somewhere in the back of my brain.
Doug said they got a campsite near the creek and were settled in and also told me they decided to stay there two nights rather than head to Crestone today. I asked him how they were all doing, and he let me talk to the boys to find out for myself. Beckett was SO excited, he told me about the snacks they bought on the way, that their tent was near a creek and that Ballou liked laying in the tent. He also said, “Mom, you've GOT to see this,” followed by silence. I think he was trying to figure out how to show me something and realized that I cannot see through the phone. This is a minor milestone, he has, in the past, walked around with phone “showing” whoever was on the other end everything he was talking about.
Frank told me they stopped at a fort, AND that on their way down there (his words were, “Mom, you’re NEVER going to believe this . . .”), they saw a man sitting in the sun, naked! He was incredulous, and he said that. “Mom, I was incredulous, I mean we drove RIGHT by him and he was naked. It was weird.” He went on to tell me they might end up sleeping in the suburban because there were a lot of “menacing” clouds. He tries so hard to work an expanded vocabulary into his stories. I love that about him.
Yesterday my focus was UPSTAIRS, my domain. It’s almost finished. The rest of this week, I have a list for downstairs, which will be easier to put off. I have a tendency to never leave the store once I’m there . . . something EVERYONE tells me, ALL the time. I dreamed of this store for ten years, why wouldn’t I want to be there? I hope this is a good week, we need it. If the economy doesn’t get better, fast, we’re going to be in trouble and might even have to close. With my lack of keeping myself busy, that is where my mind goes, and then I worry . . . have I mentioned at all that I worry a lot?
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