Absent Even When Present

I woke up today to an email from a friend, someone I’ve spent time with recently, but didn’t realize how absent I’ve been even when I’m physically present.

I felt so disconnected from my friend, and I didn’t understand it. It just seemed as though our conversations weren’t taking place between the two of us. Rather than me saying something and my friend responding, I was speaking, my friend was speaking, but the two conversations didn’t have anything to do with the each other.

I talked about it in etiquette class last night. How sometimes rather than listening when we’re in the midst of a conversation, we’re planning what we’re going to say next.

I gave the kids a topic, football (easy this week, right? Especially if you live near Denver). They were tasked with starting a conversation, answering the person who spoke to you, then turning and starting another conversation with the person on the other side of them. Even with so few kids, it was amazing how off-topic the conversation got. When it reached me, I answered the young woman next to me, and then said, "What’s your favorite color?" to the person on my left. He opened his mouth to speak and then said, "Wait. What?" Good for him to catch the abrupt change before he spoke, however, it was clear he was planning on what he was going to say, rather than focusing on what I was saying.

I’ve been guilty of this the last two weeks. Things have been so hectic, so crazy, that I haven’t been present, even when I’m physically so. I’ve accused those around me of being disconnected, when all the while, it’s been me. And when it was pointed out to me, I was stunned.

I’ve been a lousy friend, but I plan to change that. I’ve been a lousy wife and mother, expecting life to just continue, whether I was fully engaged or not. I plan to change that too. It’s amazing how a situation can change when I just pay attention, give attention, be present. The emptiness I’ve been feeling dissipates, because they emptiness that was within me, was of my own making.